How to Give (Constructive) Feedback Like a Pro

Say what you mean, and mean what you say

Hello YOU,

It has been a seriously busy couple of weeks here at Quest Quarters, and if I’m completely honest I had a few moments where I thought about slacking off on this week’s newsletter. Not to the extent of not doing it at all (that’s so ‘2023 Rebekah’), but about taking it a bit ‘easier’ and saving a meaty topic like giving feedback for another week.

That moment didn’t last long - and here we are.

If you read last week’s newsletter you’ll know that we focussed on how to RECEIVE feedback. I do truly believe that this is the best place to start when becoming a feedback pro (change starts with you and all that) so if you haven’t read that one yet go back and check it out.

But practicing how to receive feedback will only take you so far, right? Eventually a conversation needs to be had. From the new line managers I work with I know that this is an area of people management that is most feared. Earlier today I had a client tell me that they want everyone to like them and find it really difficult when there’s any kind of conflict or that they have to give ‘negative’ feedback to someone. That was the third time THIS WEEK that I’ve heard very similar things.

If I ignore it, it’ll go away….right?

Image credit - Caleb Woods, Unsplash

No.

Too often managers avoid feedback in the hope that it’ll go away. 9 times out of 10 it absolutely does not go away. Think about it this way - when you’re a manager you are communicating even when you are not ‘officially’ communicating. So if someone in your team is acting in a way that isn’t appropriate, or producing work that isn’t up to standard, not addressing the issue sends the message that this is something you accept. If that’s not the message that you want to be understood then you actually need to communicate a different message.

Here are 5 things to think about to help you give (constructive) feedback like a pro:

1. Be clear about whether or not the feedback is needed

Is the person doing something that’s actually a problem? Or are they just not doing something the way that YOU would? If it’s a problem, they need feedback. But if it’s just different to the way you would do it then perhaps it just needs monitoring?

But please don’t use this as a get-out-of-jail-free-card to not give someone feedback when they need it. In fact, someone doing something differently to you is a great opportunity to practice really gentle feedback and set the scene that there may be some other feedback coming down the line.

‘That’s not how I would usually tackle the problem/task - I’m open to trying your way though, so let’s see how it pans out.’ Easy peasy squeezy lemon.

2. Timing, timing, timing

For some of you reading this it will be really obvious that annual reviews are not the time to tell someone that the client presentation they did 5 months ago absolutely bombed. But time and time again I hear from clients who are completely blindsided during their appraisals because they haven’t been given any feedback throughout the year, and then they sit in front of their manager who reels off a list of things they’ve done wrong in the past 12 months and they come away feeling completely broken.

I know that you can do better than that.

The time to give feedback is at the time that it occurs. If the client presentation has gone really badly, talk to them after the presentation. When you notice that a team member has been late for the 3rd time this week, talk to them that day.

Not giving feedback in the moment gives the problem a chance to escalate or be repeated.

3. Plan the conversation

Of course you can only really plan one side of the conversation, but getting clear on what feedback you want to give helps to make sure you actually get across the things you want to say. What’s the reason that you’re giving this feedback? Why does the person need this feedback? What change needs to happen as a result of the feedback?

You also need to consider when and where you give feedback. Is this a conversation that can be had in the middle of the office? Or does it need to happen in private? Is it something really simple that can be conveyed in writing, via a Teams/Slack message or email? Or does it need to happen in person?

4. Clear is kind

Years ago I remember doing my ILM diploma in Leadership and Management and one of the techniques we were taught about giving feedback was the ‘shit sandwich’. It's the idea that you say something nice at the start, put the negative bit of feedback in the middle, and then close with something else positive.

Please don’t make your team eat shit sandwiches!

Brené Brown is famous for saying that ‘clear is kind’ and she’s right. When we muddy the message that we want to get across with other things that aren’t remotely relevant to the feedback we’re giving, it’s really confusing for the person on the receiving end. Did you really mean the nice things you said? Was the part in the middle actually an issue that needs addressing, or just part of the general conversation?

Clear is kind.

BUT you can be kind while you’re being clear. I can’t tell you the number of times that people use ‘clear is kind’ as an excuse to be a bumhole. Don’t be a bumhole. Feedback shouldn't be a personal attack. Giving feedback is something you do when you care; when you want someone to do better because you give a damn about them and what they do.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

5. Say your piece. Then LISTEN.

Learning to listen is honestly one of the best skills you can learn as a manager. What happened in the client presentation that meant it bombed? Nerves? Lack of preparation? Or an unclear message about what was actually expected?

Why has your team member been late 3 times this week? Terrible, unusual levels of traffic? A poorly baby up all night making getting up on time a challenge? Or a problem at work that means they’re less keen about coming in?

Giving feedback is a great opportunity to practice some open ended questions; the type that give people a reason to answer.

‘I’ve noticed ‘x’ which isn’t usual for you, is everything alright?’ can be a nice easy way to start.

Make feedback a habit

Getting in the habit of giving regular feedback helps to prevent the number of difficult conversations that need to be had. Done well, it shows your team that you care about them and want them to do their best.

This is one of the ways that we Rise Together.